Note to Parents & Teachers

When teased, children sometimes fall into a habit of feeling hurt, upset, and victimized. How can we help them break this pattern and learn more effective ways to handle these difficult times? Simon's Hook can help. First, children can get so involved with the emotion of the tease that they react instinctively rather than recognize that often the sole purpose of the tease is to get a reaction. Simon's Hook compares teases to 'fishing hooks' and promotes the idea of swimming free. This offers children a different and more objective view of the teasing process. 

Next, sometimes when children are teased they don't think they have options - they have to bite. When people believe they have few options they feel powerless, stuck, or controlled by others. Simon's Hook shows children many ways to swim around the hook. They see they are not powerless, they have many choices. 

And last, Simon's Hook concentrates on the actions of the fish, rather than the hooks or the fishermen. This encourages children to focus on their own attitude and behavior, the only part of the interaction they control. Complaining about the other person's behavior, the cruel hook or the unfair situation is counterproductive and only leads to feelings of helplessness and self pity. By focusing on their own actions children can begin to recognize the power they have, their personal power. Personal power is not about power over someone else or the situation, but power over ourselves; our attitude, our actions, our life. An empowered attitude is instrumental in a person's ability to solve problems throughout life. 

You can help too. After reading Simon's Hook you can help children recognize their choices and personal power by simply asking a question or making a comment. 

 Did you bite?

 Someone's been fishing.

 Did someone throw a hook at you?

 Oh, and you bit.

 How can you swim free?

 How could you avoid that hook?

 I see a hook.

 Were you caught?

 The fish are biting today.

Encourage your child to see himself or herself as a strong and free fish with many choices, no matter what hooks the other person uses. 

Karen Gedig Burnett 
a.k.a. Grandma Rose 

P.S. Children learn much by observing adults. How do you handle conflicts? When you're driving and someone yells at you, do you 'bite'? When someone directs a cruel comment toward you, do you get 'hooked'? Since 'actions speak louder than words,' make sure you act like a 'strong, free fish' and don't bite at other people's negative behavior. 

---

What Can Parent's Do

Helping Your Child Through the Rough Patches In Life
by Karen Gedig Burnett   -  May 2000

Our children are traveling on the road of life. This road sometimes has rough spots, obstacles and detours.  Our job as parents is to help them develop the skills to navigate these rough patches. Our ultimate goal is for them to be able to handle these bumps and ruts on their own.

How can we help when they hit a rough patch?

1. Listen and empathize . Say things like, "That must be hard." "Boy you had a rough day." "That's a difficult one to handle."  Often children just want to vent, then they handle the problem by themselves and move on.

2. Brain storm and role play possible reactions or solutions to a problem. Often when faced with difficult situations children freeze or react instinctively and impulsively. They don’t know what to do. By helping them think through and act out possible reactions they can draw from these when needed. Developing a repertoire of possible reactions helps them feel more empowered. Sometimes you might even try proposing silly solutions. If you can make this activity fun and even a little absurd it helps a child develop a light hearted view of the problem and learn to not take it so seriously. (Respect for the child is crucial. Be silly only if your child is enjoying this activity.)

3. Help your child keep a Challenges and Successes Journal. In it, list information about an event: the date, the situation, whether it is a challenge or success, their feelings and thoughts. If its a Challenge (a problem) record how big they see the problem right then. For Challenges, revisit and update these notes several days later. Record what has happened, what they tried to do to resolve the problem, what they have learned, other things to try, and how big they see this problem now. As new Challenges and Successes arise enter them on this list and also review the old information. 

4. Help them see each bump as an opportunity to learn something about themselves and others, and a chance to learn about life and develop their problem solving skills. Talk about what you learned from your rough spots. (Often, what seems like a major set back can turn out to be a very valuable learning experience or even a major turning point in your life. What looks like disaster, may sometimes be a blessing in disguise.)

5. By reviewing their Challenges and Successes from the past you can highlight their successes, emphasize their problem solving skills and help them see the transitory nature of most problems.  (Past problems often have decrease and sometimes disappeared.) Help them recognize techniques they have used over time and express confidence that they will find a way to resolve this difficulty too.

6. BRIEFLY mention a time when a similar event happened to you, how you felt and what you did to solve your problem. (Be careful not to be preachy. Just share enough to help them see that you had bumps in your road, and how you learned to handle them.) You may even want to keep a Challenges and Successes Journal for yourself. This helps children realize that this is just a part of life and even adults are still learning.

7.  Help your child stay focused on themselves: their own choices, their own actions. This is the only part of the interaction they have any control over. If they just complain, wait, or hope for the other person to change - they may be complaining, waiting, or hoping a very long time. This feels weak and helpless. No matter how unfair the situation, or how insensitive the other person, help your child focus on what they themselves can do. Help your child take an active, "I'm going to do something" approach, rather than a passive "poor me",  "why are they doing this to me", "if only they were nicer" approach. 

When we complain about others, either out loud or in our head, it’s called ‘They Talk’ 
“They did this.” “He did that.” “Why did she...” “He’s so mean.” 
Instead, we can talk about and focus on what we can do  “What can I do about this?” 
“How much attention or influence am I going to give them?” This is ‘I talk’. 
‘I talk' focuses on our own actions and is active.
"They talk" focuses on the other person and is passive. 

8. Use analogies. Analogies that are very visual in nature often help children ‘see’ the event from a different angle. 

•  For teases and put-downs you can explain that a tease is like bait on a fishing line; dangled out there for them to chase and snap at, or intended to hurt. Role play this with a a stick and string and tape the tease on the end of the line and help them practice ways of swimming away instead of biting. 
•  Talk about Clear Thoughts (positive-optimistic thinking) and Mud Thoughts (negative pessimistic thinking).  A Clear Thought would be, “I mess up this time, but I’ll do it better next time.” A Mud Thought would be, ” I always mess up.” When you read stories discuss how the characters could have Clear Thoughts or Mud Thoughts. You can exaggerate and have fun with this. But most important this allows your child time to practice so they can recognize and combat Mud Thoughts in real life situations.
•  Rate problems in terms of perceived size. Is this a WHALE problem or a flea problem? If you write this in your Challenges and Successes Journal then when you revisit the event several days later they will often see that a big problem won’t seem as big. This is valuable information for future problems.

9. Children learn much by observing adults. How do you handle conflicts? Do you make Clear Thought statements or Mud Thought statements. Do you act like all of your problems are WHALE problems? Do you use a lot of ‘they talk’ or do you focus on your own actions, “I talk.” Do you let others dictate your mood or your actions? When you’re driving and someone yells at you, do you ‘bite’? When someone directs a cruel comment toward you, do you get ‘hooked’? Since ‘actions speak louder than words,’ make sure you don’t bite at other people’s negative behavior.
Focus on Strengths: It's easier for a child to handle bumps when they have confidence in their driving abilities in other situations.

10. Recognize and highlight their finer qualities. Use the Success and Challenges Journal to list and give instances where you see them exhibit these qualities. Hold out models for them to see how these qualities can benefit them as they grow. 

11. Encourage and support their involvement in successful ventures. You may even need to actively structure positive activities to support your child to highlight their strengths.

12. Love them. It's amazing how much our love and support can help them traverse the rough spots in their life.

Back to Simon's Hook
Visit the Parent & Teacher Meeting Room